The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
