The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
