in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
we're so committed to being not committed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
