I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
