This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
