Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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