When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
