I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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