So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
