Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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