youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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