You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
