You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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