Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
