I'm gonna have a badass scar
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
