I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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