How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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