nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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