remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
