thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
it was like eating out sand paper
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
