my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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