Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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