ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
