I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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