I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
