the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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