I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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