dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
