I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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