He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
