Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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