someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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