My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
