Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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