Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
