: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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