two words: eviction party
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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