I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
