Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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