My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
