Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize