he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
