areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
