Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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