Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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