Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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