Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
