i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
