I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
