I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
