Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
