I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
