she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
