Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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