So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
