My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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