you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
