new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
