Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
